till You call me home

The name of this blog is 'Jump to Fly, not to Fall.'  I chose that name from one of my favorite quotes - When you stand at the edge of a cliff, jump to fly, not to fall.  Several distinct times in my life I have stood at that cliff top and looked down longingly.  While much of my life my basic needs have been provided for, food and shelter, which I realize I am so blessed compared to many just to have that!  But my heart has ached for so many years, ached for friends, for people in my life, for a man to marry, a partner in life, that together we could further God's kingdom.

For a time, I wandered away from organized religion.  Not from God and my faith, but away from gatherings of His people because I felt so hurt and betrayed by the very people who proclaimed His name.  And God allowed me to wander and grieve, but then He said 'enough is enough!  It is time for you to return to the church.'  And I have, and it is so amazing to be in worship with a group of believers.  I still don't have friends, and I know I have bemoaned that fact quite vocally on this blog.  But in the stillness and quiet of time spent with my God, He has been teaching me that He is all I need.  And while I still don't understand why He has made me so unlovable and without friends, I have more peace in my heart now.  Our time here on earth is short.  Although it may seem like forever, especially when we live in a world of sadness, going through trials alone, time spent in the hospital with no one to visit and no one to care, really our time here is brief compared to the eternity we get to spend with Jesus in heaven.  As hard as this has been, and as difficult as it remains, the measure of peace God has planted in my soul is like water to slake the thirst of one who is parched, one who has walked through the desert for days and longs for even just a drop of water.

My heart desires

• to follow my God all the days of my life
• to draw ever nearer to Him
• that He would make my heart after His - tender and merciful and filled with love and compassion for His people
• that I would hide His word in my heart
• that He would use me for His purpose and plan
• that I would be sensitive to His calling and obedient to Him

I would love to have friends, would love to find a man, a true partner in life and marriage, that together we could further His kingdom better together than apart.  But I am trusting my God that if this is not in His plan for me, He will teach my heart to be content and continually strive after Him.  And even if I do not understand how or why God is using me, how the things I have gone through in life can serve His kingdom, still I will trust my God.  I walk by faith and not by sight.