Wilderness
Oh Lord, how long must your servant wander in the wilderness?
For 34 years I have wandered through this barren land,
forsaken and alone.
From time to time a mirage appears,
of friends, people who care, hope for the future,
only to disappear
and leave me more broken and hurt than before.
Oh that I could lay down and die
and the vultures pick my bones clean.
Lord my spirit is devastated,
my body crushed.
Tears and heartache my only companions.
Lord, the Israelites wandered 40 years in the desert
before entering the Promised Land,
but at least, oh Lord, they had each other.
I am alone in this wilderness, save You.
Only by your strength have I continued this long.
Don't abandon me now,
for I have not the strength to continue on my own.
Lord, if you made me unlovable,
why have you put this desire in my heart,
a desire for people in my life,
the desire for friends, and the desire for a husband?
Let my heart learn to be content in You alone.
Thirty-four years of few friends and the ones I had
have all abandoned and forsaken me,
and yet my heart yearns for more.
Why, Lord, why?
If I am not to have friends, not to be loved,
then please take this desire for me.
To do otherwise is torture.
Oh that You would let your servant die in peace.
People refuse to forgive me.
From the time I was small until I am now,
people have told me I am a black sheep,
too great a sinner for your mercy, unforgivable.
They tell me I am unlovable,
to ugly for anyone to stand.
Over and over, wherever I go,
this is what people tell me.
Lord I know there is nothing that can separate me from your love.
But Lord maybe there is something that separates me from your people.
That makes me an outcast, shunned, and alone.
Oh that they would stone me with more than words,
that I might be no more.
Yet still I follow. Still I obey.
I walk by faith, even when I cannot see.
I trust in your promises,
that You will not give me more than I can bear,
but Lord I don't understand.
I am crushed beyond recognition,
devastated beyond words,
my heart is broken into so many pieces.
I am not who I was.
A shadow of who I have been,
not one knows me.
I pass silently in the night,
as one who is headed for the grave.
Strength has vanished, I cannot lift my head.
All hope is gone.
I pray for death,
that the agony of life here on earth might be over.
Lord You call many home who still have so much to live for here.
Why not me, when I have nothing here to live for, save You?
Thirty-four years of this wilderness
has finally crushed my spirit.
I know not hope,
I know not peace,
I know not love.
I lay in the desert as the sun beats on my carcass,
crying out to You.
I cannot press on.
My soul is weary,
my body destroyed.
Let me lie here as the vultures circle overhead
and the promise of death looms near.
Lord bring me home to You,
the only one who loves me,
who cares, who answers when I call.
All others have long since abandoned me,
are but faint memories, a temporary mirage
that disappeared when I looked closely.
Let me be a servant in your house.
The lowliest of the lowliest of those who love You.
Just to be in your presence,
to be with You,
is all I ask.
For 34 years I have wandered through this barren land,
forsaken and alone.
From time to time a mirage appears,
of friends, people who care, hope for the future,
only to disappear
and leave me more broken and hurt than before.
Oh that I could lay down and die
and the vultures pick my bones clean.
Lord my spirit is devastated,
my body crushed.
Tears and heartache my only companions.
Lord, the Israelites wandered 40 years in the desert
before entering the Promised Land,
but at least, oh Lord, they had each other.
I am alone in this wilderness, save You.
Only by your strength have I continued this long.
Don't abandon me now,
for I have not the strength to continue on my own.
Lord, if you made me unlovable,
why have you put this desire in my heart,
a desire for people in my life,
the desire for friends, and the desire for a husband?
Let my heart learn to be content in You alone.
Thirty-four years of few friends and the ones I had
have all abandoned and forsaken me,
and yet my heart yearns for more.
Why, Lord, why?
If I am not to have friends, not to be loved,
then please take this desire for me.
To do otherwise is torture.
Oh that You would let your servant die in peace.
People refuse to forgive me.
From the time I was small until I am now,
people have told me I am a black sheep,
too great a sinner for your mercy, unforgivable.
They tell me I am unlovable,
to ugly for anyone to stand.
Over and over, wherever I go,
this is what people tell me.
Lord I know there is nothing that can separate me from your love.
But Lord maybe there is something that separates me from your people.
That makes me an outcast, shunned, and alone.
Oh that they would stone me with more than words,
that I might be no more.
Yet still I follow. Still I obey.
I walk by faith, even when I cannot see.
I trust in your promises,
that You will not give me more than I can bear,
but Lord I don't understand.
I am crushed beyond recognition,
devastated beyond words,
my heart is broken into so many pieces.
I am not who I was.
A shadow of who I have been,
not one knows me.
I pass silently in the night,
as one who is headed for the grave.
Strength has vanished, I cannot lift my head.
All hope is gone.
I pray for death,
that the agony of life here on earth might be over.
Lord You call many home who still have so much to live for here.
Why not me, when I have nothing here to live for, save You?
Thirty-four years of this wilderness
has finally crushed my spirit.
I know not hope,
I know not peace,
I know not love.
I lay in the desert as the sun beats on my carcass,
crying out to You.
I cannot press on.
My soul is weary,
my body destroyed.
Let me lie here as the vultures circle overhead
and the promise of death looms near.
Lord bring me home to You,
the only one who loves me,
who cares, who answers when I call.
All others have long since abandoned me,
are but faint memories, a temporary mirage
that disappeared when I looked closely.
Let me be a servant in your house.
The lowliest of the lowliest of those who love You.
Just to be in your presence,
to be with You,
is all I ask.
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